An Ode to my Boobies


Oh Boobies…

You came out of nowhere, one day in Grade 10. For a tom-boy like me, I had no idea what to do with you. I liked running, horse back riding, soccer…all sports that involved movement. LOTS of movement. Despite my ignorance to you, you stayed firm.

Nor did I know what to do with the attention you brought, so I pretended it wasn’t happening. Just like that. Ignorance was BLISS. The boys could go away – sport was what mattered! But societal pressures and gravity took hold, and thankfully my Grandmother took me bra shopping (thanks, Grams…)

Fast forward 15 years, and dear Boobies, and you took on a whole new role.

I observed you change when we first fell pregnant.  Thoughts ranged from  ‘YOU LOOK LIKE A TARGET!’ to ‘YOU LOOK LIKE A ROAD MAP’ raged through my head during those emotionally exhausting months that are first-pregnancy.

I denied your changes, dear Boobies, for sooooo long, until one day going maternity bra shopping caused me to flee the store bawling my eyes out. “I’m a E-CUP?! F$**K that! Those bras look like their for Grandma’s!” I pretty well yelled at that shop assistant.  Sorry about that lady…hormones…they get me every time…

And then there were the frisbees OH I mean woollen bra pads I ordered online.  They arrived and I wanted to throw them to my dog.  But, dear Boobies, I saved them…for you. Just in case the whole ‘milk comes in’ thing really happened. Surprise! It did :/

Our baby arrived, and dear Boobies, you really came into your own! You left me a leaky mess for DAYS.  I’d wake up thinking ‘who wet the bed?!’ only to realise it was you, leaking all over me. In the bed, in the shower, hearing a baby – leaky leaky leaky. SQUIRT. And I’d think ‘WOW, I didn’t know THAT could happen!’

Lord knows how my baby couldn’t find that target you offered…but I’ll forever be grateful to that midwife who said “Just make it into a Boogie Burger.  Like, a burger shape, squeeze here – see? BURGER!” and CHOMP went my infant!  To the end of her boobie-ing days, dear Boobies, you were the best burgers she’d ever had.

Boobies, you have nourished my children. Given me a never-before found appreciation for my body. Left me in utter amazement and downright awe of the physical changes you were capable of, most of which I had NEVER imagined possible. Given me as much physical pain that I’d ever felt – toe-curdling, tear-producing pain, from mastitis, cracked nipples, chomping teething toddlers. But, dear Boobies, you did it.  YOU DID IT!

As my last baby, at the ripe old age of 2 years old, has finally given you up, please know, dear Boobies, that you were the best. You have made my life forever better because of what you’ve been able to do for me and my babies.  For the past FOUR years and 2 months, you have been of great service.

And I hope to repay you, forever and ever, with a decent bra and lots of pushups.

Every. Single. Day.

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