I’ve just come out of my daughter’s room, snuggling her to sleep for what feels like the millionth time.
The books said to stop long ago.
But her big blue eyes plead. She looks at me and says “Just one more minute, Mummy?”
And I remind myself, as I have every night for the past four years, that she’s only this little once heart emoticon
Everything about her life, she being my first child, has challenged me. Highs of the greatest highs, lows of the greatest lows.
I remember how overjoyed/terrified I was when we found out we were pregnant.
I remember how confident I felt when we discovered Hypnobirthing.
I remember how empowered I felt when we decided to try for a homebirth, and how 36 hours of labour brought me to the brink and then past what I thought my body & mind were capable of (and yes, ultimately, with my posterior postioned baby, we transferred to hospital – birth plan out the window.)
I remember the raw trauma and how defeated I felt, and how long the healing took.
I remember her crying. Non-stop. For the first few weeks she was here.
I remember wearing her in the carrier every day, to do EVERYTHING. Mostly while listening to Dixie Chicks, wandering around the house as days turned into nights, feeling hopelessly at her mercy.
I remember questioning everything I thought I was, and everything I thought I knew.
I remember venturing out for the first time, and feeling embarrassed that she was still in her pyjamas. And that no matter what we did, she was the baby who cried. The. Whole. Time.
I remember when I discovered how much she loved exercising together, and how doing this consistently together began to transform our relationship. Slowly but surely, we became more confident in each other, and in turn, ourselves.
We began making friends.
We began to get out.
We sort-of sometimes got to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.
And I began to find my way out of PND, to a path that would ultimately lead me to becoming a better person than who I used to be.
She has made me a better person, I now know that for sure.
But there hasn’t been one day, not one, that hasn’t been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster with this child. My strong-willed, independent and spirited girl.
And I will forever love her for it.
On the eve of your fourth Birthday, my darling girl, I know what depth my love can reach.
Because of you…you created all of this, and although we created you, you ultimately have created us, too.
Love you always and forever,